->
DIRK: I have you right where I want you, Jake English. You were a merry fool indeed, to have traipsed into the lair of the nefarious...
DIRK: Dirk Dastardly.
JAKE: Never!
DIRK: What? Never what? I didn't make my villainous ultimatum yet. This is your scenario, dude, how do you want it to go?
JAKE: Errr... Oh drat it!
JAKE: Hes trying to confuse my senses with his sinister flapgummery!
JAKE: Keep it together, jake old boy!
DIRK: Ahem. "This is why I will always be able to conquer you. You fall apart like a flighty damsel at the slightest prodding." (Jake, do you understand that your writing style is transparent?)
JAKE: Ha! Thats where youre wrong dirk dastardly! Ill show you by taking your prodding like a man!
DIRK: (No. No he does not.)
DIRK: But Jake. How do you expect to take my prodding like a man...
DIRK: When you're getting dunked in the rainbow substance like a unicorn-themed Dunkaroo.
JAKE: (Ooh great improv!)
DIRK: (Thanks, means so much.)
JAKE: Gee whillikers. If i dont find a way out of this precarious predicament ill be made into a human fondue!
JAKE: And that rainbow substance is no joke in the park... (Argh fuck a duck man that fudged idiom is like nails on a chalkboard. i shouldve caught that one. Sorry.)
DIRK: (No worries man. It's technically accurate. A mysterious rainbow substance is no joke anywhere, least of all the park.)
JAKE: (Yes!)
DIRK: (Why not start from the top?)
JAKE: (Ok!)
JAKE: Gee whillikers. If i dont find a way out of this precarious predicament ill be made into a human fondue!
JAKE: And that rainbow substance is no joke in the park...
JAKE: One fullbodied head to toe dip in that baby will force me to become permanently gay forever!
JAKE: Ill be the laughingstock of the agency! Mocked and humiliated as a twinkletoes by every joe sixpack and every tom, dick, and harry sixpack!
JAKE: And the enigmatic and heavily gay-coded dirk dastardly will surely take me as his prize and use me as a toy for his amusement on a permanent 24/7 basis.
DIRK: (Which I totally don't already do.)
JAKE: (Ok smartass but in the CONTEXT OF THE FLIPPING STORY??)
DIRK: Ah-heh-hem. "Yes. Now you see the threads of my plan and how they twist together to form the tapestry of your heroic humiliation. Gone will be the days of manly self-control and responsible chastity and retention of se--" (Holy heck.)
JAKE: (Thats the character! Hes repressed and thinks that that is how are things are supposed to be!)
DIRK: (It's kind of cute.) "Gone will be those days and in their place you will be made a coveted treasure of my lascivious indulgence. Sculpted in mind and body to my exact tastes and specifications, so as to further enflame my ardor."
JAKE: You villainous cur! Youll see that justice and good sportsmanship will win out! You may defile my cardio-honed body as many times as you wish but you will NEVER penetrate to my heart! You will never make me truly gay!
DIRK: "We will just have to see about that, won't we? Time to push this pink switch and say sayonara to your straightness."
JAKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
JAKE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
JAKE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
JAKE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
JAKE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DIRK: Yes. Keep going. More o's.
JAKE: OOOOOOOOOh shit dirk i literally just remembered we havent even booked the venue for the party!
DIRK: Yeah, so? Do you even have to book stuff in a 'city' where over half the land is still open fields and farmland?
DIRK: And do we have to cut it off here? When do we get to the part where we cum? Were we close?
JAKE: Page uhhh lessee here. Seventeen?
DIRK: Oh my god. You're right. They really go back and forth about this forced gayification stuff for fourteen more pages.
DIRK: Look, I really hate to have to ask this years into our relationship but...
DIRK: Is this...
DIRK: Is this how you see me? Have I been forcing you to do something that doesn't... come naturally to you?
JAKE: Hahaha oh heavens no my silly dirk.
JAKE: Not at all i just have issues. More issues than a dang broadsheet newsypaper.
JAKE: And so the fantasy of being made to do what i already want to do grants me reprieve from my issues and liberates me from perpetual anxiety over my desires.
DIRK: Oh yeah. How do I keep forgetting that.
DIRK: Anyway, I'm making an executive decision. We're playing your scenario out before we do anything else, no matter how urgent.
DIRK: Priorities. Nah mean?
JAKE: Im ok with that.
DIRK: Mind if I take the villain mustache off?
JAKE: The mustache stays on dammit!!
DIRK: Fair.